(The Posh Miss) Urban mothers taught there daughters how to be Moms and not Wives.


“One day I woke up and realized that I had learned how to be a very good mother, but no one taught me how to be a good wife.” -The Posh Miss

I took a year off from dating in 2010 to figure some things out in my life.  I even blogged about the entire experience and what revelations I begin to have.  The funny thing is the revelation I am about to share, I did not have till yesterday.  I sat at a friend’s house discussing relationships within the christian church and why so many single “Christian” people were not marrying other single “Christians” in the “Urban” church.  We went through dialogue and one of the guys brought up the following statement, “Many of the women in the “Urban” church have bought into the diva mentality.”  He went on to explain how they have a lot of expectations, they seem to require a lot of attention, how they express how they are too good for this or that, and how they will let you know that their Father is Jesus and they are his Princess and should be treated as such.  Now rightfully so, he agreed women are Princesses but the diva mentality that these women had bought into was the reason many of them will probably never get married.

So what is a diva?

Wikipedia says, “The word “diva” is often used negatively, to describe a celebrity in film or music who is extremely demanding and fussy when it comes to personal privileges.”.

That does not sound too good now does it.

Artist like Beyonce glorify the life of this said Diva.  Trust me I use to dance and sing my tale off to this song.  But if you take a moment to listen to what she is saying, she is talking about getting money and finding a man who is good enough to be on her level mainly based on his looks and his status.  Is this the Diva you want to be?

So, how did women get so stuck on being a Diva?  Growing up in many urban communities the mom teaches the daughter the following:

  • You are Princess and to not take anything from any man. 
  • You need to be able to make it independent of a man and get your own. 
  • You deserve “x, y, and z” and we better not settle for just any man or just anything. 

Now am I saying that mom was wrong.  No I am not.  Many women had to raise their children on their own and independent of a man, so she only wanted her daughter to be equipped to make it in the “real world”.  However, there is a thin line between creating standards in your daughter’s life and creating a blockage that would cause her to have unhealthy relationships with men she would date in her adulthood.

I started to think how my non urban friends were taught to be a woman.  They also were told they are Princesses and what they deserve, but on the reverse they were also taught how to treat a future husband.  I realized that many “Urban” mothers teach there daughters how to be mothers and not wives.  I know your probably disagreeing but think about it.  In an “Urban” family the wife put the kids before the husband or (child’s father) and it is always seems to be mom&kids against dad.  However, in “other” families the wife honors her husband first and then the kids, which is the correct order.  In those household the parents have built a partnership that the kids cannot breakdown unlike that of the “Urban” family.  Of course, this is not for all families, but if you think about it we all have seen it.

I think because of the separation between Mother/Kids and Father that many “Urban” mothers taught there daughters to be moms and not wives.  Think about relationships.  Many begin with the woman trying to tell the man what he can and cannot do, what he needs to be or change into, and how he needs to respect her.  Does this not sound like a mother and son relationship and not a wife and husband relationship? 

We have to realize that some things that we were taught growing up need a little tweeking as we mature.  Yes respect yourself by all means, but do not expect the unexpectable.  You are not a Diva and you should not want to be.  And if you want to be a Diva, you probably will get the man a Diva gets.  Think about the men that Divas have married, do you want that?  It saddens me to see beautiful women who are alone at 35 and plus talking about how they are not married because no one can reach there expectations.  Take some time to inventory your expectations for yourself and for a significant other.  If it does not line up with the word of God you probably need to restock your inventory.

-The Posh Miss


4 thoughts on “(The Posh Miss) Urban mothers taught there daughters how to be Moms and not Wives.

  1. Amber Heard

    Amber, I couldn’t agree with you more. Black women are trained to be a little tougher and to be more like men, which I think is part of the problem. I think we need to get reconnected w/our softer, feminine side if we want to see better results in our relationships.

  2. Aria

    I think Urban women have had to be strong, raise their kids, usually independent of a father. She didn’t have the time to cry and lie in bed all weekend because her babies dad doesn’t have the income to support her and her children. She usually have a good cry, wipe her tears, blow her nose, say a prayer to Jesus, look at herself in the mirror, fix her hair, square her shoulders, and make a vow to never allow this to happen again. Then she gets busy strategizing how she is going to take care of herself and these kids she is left to raise alone, by any means necessary. She sit the kids all down and says ” okay kids, dad is gone, he’s not coming back, he moved in with Mary down the street. He wants to live with her and take care of her kids, who aren’t his , by the way. He somehow feels that since he LOVE Mary so much, he’s willing to sacrifice your lives to fulfill his own selfish Lust/Sex drive. Never mind that just a year ago he was at the altar declaring his undying love for me, in sickness and in health, till death do us part”. All I know is we are both still alive and he’s shacking up with Mary and her kids, instead of taking care of his own.
    You see a lot of Urban men only love you when he’s sexing you. When the sex start becoming less and less frequent, mainly because he’s too selfish to do what he’s susposed to do. ( husband love your wives,like Christ love the church and gave himself for it). For some strange reason you’re suspose to fill all his fantasies and he’s suspose to only go to work, and he has done his duty(in his own mind). But his woman can’t just have a 9 to 5 and come home and throw her clothes on the floor and slump down into the recliner and get the remote and veg out for the next 2 hours. Afterall he did work 8 hours today, so you ought to be happy and shut up. By the way, the wife worked 12 hours today, got the kids ready this morning and dropped them off at daycare and picked them up after work and now she’s home and is also expected to cook dinner, then feed the kids, serve him his dinner with a cold beer on the side, get the kids ready for bed, then go back into the kitchen tidy it up, shower,and finally when her eyes are about to close, he comes to bed after watching hours of tv in peace, mind you, then played afew videogames. Oh yes, the scantily clad game sluts,with the perfect boobs and ooh so sexy moves, has gotten him in the mood, now he’s tapping her on the shoulder toservice him, so he can turn over and go to sleep, not concerned if she was satisfied or not, usually not, and she’s lying there with her eyes open wondering what just happened in that 60 seconds and he’s snoring and she is frustrated yet again.
    But when his boys asked him why you and your lady not together no more,he quickly says “man!” she wasn’t satisfying me in the bedroom. But this chick, he met at work,knew how to stroke his ego an tell him how great he is. His wife doesn’t know give him enough sex,she always tired, he doesn’t know how she could be so tired, too tired to give him sex whenever he wants. But Mary gives him sex whenever he wants, so he rather be with Mary and take care of her 6 kids, by different daddies, but he doesn’t have any money left for her kids, or any money to help pay for the apt bill, that his name is still on the lease,that he broke by the way, to get an apt with Mary and her 6 kids.
    True, Urban women are strong and harder, because we have to be. We don’t have time to have a nervous breakdown, or take a whole bottle of sleeping pills, because he was 15 min late coming home from work.
    We would like nothing more than to be a soft, sexy, well kept woman. Guess what, that’s not our reality. and we don’t live on 123 east street, like some of our non-urban counterparts. Yes were are a little more self sufficient, and indepenent because that’s how life taught us to be. Strong, independent, and self reliant , with God on our side, carrying our heavy burdens,telling us we can make it, and providing that soft place to land.

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