“One day I woke up and realized that I had learned how to be a very good mother, but no one taught me how to be a good wife.” -The Posh Miss
I took a year off from dating in 2010 to figure some things out in my life. I even blogged about the entire experience and what revelations I begin to have. The funny thing is the revelation I am about to share, I did not have till yesterday. I sat at a friend’s house discussing relationships within the christian church and why so many single “Christian” people were not marrying other single “Christians” in the “Urban” church. We went through dialogue and one of the guys brought up the following statement, “Many of the women in the “Urban” church have bought into the diva mentality.” He went on to explain how they have a lot of expectations, they seem to require a lot of attention, how they express how they are too good for this or that, and how they will let you know that their Father is Jesus and they are his Princess and should be treated as such. Now rightfully so, he agreed women are Princesses but the diva mentality that these women had bought into was the reason many of them will probably never get married.
So what is a diva?
Wikipedia says, “The word “diva” is often used negatively, to describe a celebrity in film or music who is extremely demanding and fussy when it comes to personal privileges.”.
That does not sound too good now does it.
Artist like Beyonce glorify the life of this said Diva. Trust me I use to dance and sing my tale off to this song. But if you take a moment to listen to what she is saying, she is talking about getting money and finding a man who is good enough to be on her level mainly based on his looks and his status. Is this the Diva you want to be?
So, how did women get so stuck on being a Diva? Growing up in many urban communities the mom teaches the daughter the following:
- You are Princess and to not take anything from any man.
- You need to be able to make it independent of a man and get your own.
- You deserve “x, y, and z” and we better not settle for just any man or just anything.
Now am I saying that mom was wrong. No I am not. Many women had to raise their children on their own and independent of a man, so she only wanted her daughter to be equipped to make it in the “real world”. However, there is a thin line between creating standards in your daughter’s life and creating a blockage that would cause her to have unhealthy relationships with men she would date in her adulthood.
I started to think how my non urban friends were taught to be a woman. They also were told they are Princesses and what they deserve, but on the reverse they were also taught how to treat a future husband. I realized that many “Urban” mothers teach there daughters how to be mothers and not wives. I know your probably disagreeing but think about it. In an “Urban” family the wife put the kids before the husband or (child’s father) and it is always seems to be mom&kids against dad. However, in “other” families the wife honors her husband first and then the kids, which is the correct order. In those household the parents have built a partnership that the kids cannot breakdown unlike that of the “Urban” family. Of course, this is not for all families, but if you think about it we all have seen it.
I think because of the separation between Mother/Kids and Father that many “Urban” mothers taught there daughters to be moms and not wives. Think about relationships. Many begin with the woman trying to tell the man what he can and cannot do, what he needs to be or change into, and how he needs to respect her. Does this not sound like a mother and son relationship and not a wife and husband relationship?
We have to realize that some things that we were taught growing up need a little tweeking as we mature. Yes respect yourself by all means, but do not expect the unexpectable. You are not a Diva and you should not want to be. And if you want to be a Diva, you probably will get the man a Diva gets. Think about the men that Divas have married, do you want that? It saddens me to see beautiful women who are alone at 35 and plus talking about how they are not married because no one can reach there expectations. Take some time to inventory your expectations for yourself and for a significant other. If it does not line up with the word of God you probably need to restock your inventory.
-The Posh Miss